Such disrespect from my hubby

Sawubona Yolanda,

I found out that my husband is cheating on me. At first I was sad, I could not believe that my husband would ever cheat on me. But after seeing the woman he is cheating on me with, I am BEYOND disrespected by the type of woman my husband chose to cheat on me with.

He might as well have cheated on me with a Venda Chicken. She is hideous!!! Why would my husband do this? It got to a point where I thought he was bewitched. Today, she sent me a message telling me how she will take him from me, am I wrong to laugh at this ridiculous attempt made by this horrendous woman?

Disrespected woman



Hi Disrespected Woman, 

I would not tell you the reasons why men cheat, but only your husband can provide you with that solution. As to why he cheated on you with someone of lower 'class' than you (as you stipulate), I fully understand why you would be upset. 

Often when a man cheats on you, you always expect that he would do it with someone better than you at everything. This would make it easier to accept that you failed in this or that. But the question is, would it have made you better if she was better looking? Would it make you change your looks? 

At the end of the day, the problem might not be the girl but your husband. Your husband was the one who flawed in this. However, the fact that this woman contacted you to tell you that she is going to steal your husband, it shows that she is insecure and will probably never have a man of her own. So instead of focusing on her, talk to your husband, find out what drove him to this. 

I want her baby

Hi Yolanda,

I am a 24 year old female. I have a great job. I just completed my degree from one of the best universities in South Africa, and I have an absolutely amazing boyfriend. My friends are awesome, my family is healthy... Everything seems perfect, yet I am unhappy.

Recently, I had been joking to my boyfriend about marriage and having a baby. For a while I thought it was just jokes. Till one day, my best friend told me that she is pregnant...again. As much as I wanted to be happy, I was very jealous. I started crying, not out of joy, but because I found it so unfair. This is her third child and I do not even have one. What if I can never have babies? What if I am one of those girls who are just career driven and I will never have kids and I will just be horrible and die with just 30 cats?

Please help me, I do not want to be such a selfish friend.

Baby Friend

 Hi Baby Friend, 

Babies are... a gift. And the one thing I know for sure is that your gift is on the way. 

I think these days, to be 24 and not have a baby is rare. Personally, I think you should be proud of yourself.  

You seem like someone who has things planned  out, and I am sure a baby is one of them. And this is nothing to feel bad about. If you spoke to your boyfriend about marriage and babies and he did not run...that is a man to hold on to. 

Take the time to revel in your relationship. Take the time to be there for your best friend, you can learn a few things from her for when you are pregnant. 

Also, talk to her about how you feel. I am pretty sure she will sympathize and understand.  Best friends should share everything. 

It is not wrong for you to envy your best friend about a baby, it is a woman thing to feel. One day, someone will be jealous of you. But you need to be patient for your turn. It will come. 

He said 'He is not sure if he still loves me'

Hi Yolanda, 

I am a 21 year old female. I am dating a 26 year old male. We have been together for over 9 months. I spent the past December holidays (Dec 14- Jan 5)  with his family. It was a great experience, even though most of the time I felt lost and almost unwanted. 

Anyway, I love my boyfriend but recently he has been drifting away from me, and we have been fighting more than ever before. I was worried, so one day I was trying to set the mood, but he pushed me away 'laughing' and said he does not feel like it. Except for being embarrassed, I was also completely upset; so I asked him 'What is going on" and he told me that he is not sure if he still loves me. 

I was hurt. I left his place, saying that I will give him all the space that he needs. It has been almost a month. Now I am not sure if I did the right thing. Please Help! 

From Sudden Stranger! 

Hi Sudden Stranger, 

When I read your email, I could actually feel the love that you feel for your boyfriend. It must have been very difficult for you to just walk away. But how do you just step away without fighting? 

Love will always be very difficult. You can only experience true joy, if you have felt pain. I think you ran away far too quickly. It's probably because the words "I am not sure if I still love you" caught you at a time when you were expecting your love to grow. I mean, you just met his family. That is a huge, nerve wrecking step for any one. 

For your guy, he invited you to spend December holidays, with his family? Not a day, but Holidays. The whole of December with his family. 

The reason I emphasise this, is because I want you to realise that this man chose you to spend a long time with his family. He clearly believed that they will love you, and that you will love them; but most importantly he wants the two parties that mean the most to him to meet. That was a great thing coming from him. 

I am not sure what made you feel lost and unwanted. But I hope you shared these feelings with him.

It must have been scary for you to be around his family for such a long time. After all, meeting family is a step closer to something even bigger. 

And I guess, this became a reality for you during the holidays, and a reality for him after the holidays. 

He did not ask you for space, he was opening up to you about his feelings, which you should have been open to. And I am not saying that what he said to you should just be ignored. It does mean something. But what? 

"I am not sure if I still love cookies" but guess what, I am still eating them. What brought on this change? Do you know? 

The fact that he used the words "Not Sure" means that he is feeling lost, confused and probably unwanted. It can either be "Yes I do" or "Yes I do not". But you walking away clarified this for both of you.  

Until he says "I do not love you anymore" I do not think you should just give up. Find out whats wrong, talk to him. Don't just walk away.  

The truth is, the biggest test by love, is patience; followed by communication. Make use of them, go back to your man and find out what is going on. 

I feel like his side chick

Hello Yolanda 

I am 23. I have a 5 year old child. The child's father and I are not together anymore. I am a single parent, and helped every now and then by my sister. I have a great job, and I completed my diploma two years ago. 

Nevertheless, dating has been very daunting, especially with my child. I have been with guys and the moment I am honest about my child, they disappear. 

But I recently met a guy and he says he loves kids. I have not introduced my new boyfriend to my child, but that is not the problem. 

I found a bra at his place. He claimed that it is his cousins bra, apparently the cousin came to wash his blankets. But I am not stupid. This has made me very insecure. I spoke to him about it and all he said was that I should not worry. 

But I am worried. What do you think I should do? 

Side Chick

Hi Side Chick, 

It is funny that you have already dubbed yourself the 'side chick'. All because of a bra....hmmm.

I cannot tell you what to do. But you are right, you should not be stupid. You see, as a woman we all know some womanly tricks. And the bra trick is one of the traditional ones. 

"Oops I left my bra at your place....under the bed". But you should not be quick to jump to these conclusions. Do you like this guy and does he like you? Or are you fishing for clues to whether or not he wants you? 

You need to understand that, getting into a relationship is about knowing someone. It is a new relationship, learn to know him. And the fact that he loves children does not mean that he will love yours. 

Personally, I think you should be honest about your child from the beginning, so that you do not waste your time as well as his. Plus, your child should not be added to this, at all. 

However, lets assume there is another chick. 

Here is a lesson for you: 

Insecure or nasty women always leave something to either mark their territory or show that "I WAS HERE". They do this with either an underwear or a bra.   

Also, some men are very skilled at ensuring that all evidence of another woman is disposed of. But other men, aren't as skilled. 

Many thoughts but nothing really clear. 

My advice to you is, if you are feeling insecure about this guy do the following:  

1. Do not introduce him to your child, you do not want to expose your child to so many men. Unless you and the man date for years and make plans of getting married. 
2.  Make sure you always wear a condom, who knows, next time his cousin might leave an underwear. 
3. You can Break up with him. But chances are, something even bigger will happen with the next boyfriend. You not even sure if you are a side chick. It really might be his cousins bra (Who knows? Besides him and the bra owner) 
4. Take it easy with the boyfriends. Maybe you need to know yourself better. You became a mother at an age where people are still trying to get to know themselves. 

So 'Side Chick'... He isn't the one who has put you aside, you have put yourself on the side. You seem like a special woman. So learn to love yourself, learn to know your worth. If you do not believe your child was a mistake, no guy should make you feel shame for having him.

I want to be a GYm instructor

Dear Yolanda, 

I am a 26 year old male. I feel as though life has not been fair towards me. I am jobless. But I have a dream. 

I want to be a Gym Instructor, specifically for Virgin Active. I have no experience. I believe I have a great body but I do not even have a certificate or something. Please help me find my dream job. 

Gym Instructor

Hi Gym Instructor,

One thing for sure, you should never stop dreaming. And being able to dream is the greatest thing you can ever thank life for. So for that, life has already been fair to you.

And we live in a country with so many possibilities. You will find your dream job if you are ready to work towards it.

For me, personally it is unlikely to meet someone with such a dream. It shows you how different and broad we are as individuals. And because we are so different, I believe there is a chance for everyone to succeed.

Firstly, you can apply for student loans or bursaries to pursue your dream of a qualification in Health and Skin care from some colleges and South African universities like UJ (University of Johannesburg).

Secondly, to find a job as a Gym Instructor, make use of the great Google. Search for what you want, every day if you want to. Because having a dream alone is not enough, you need to push and persist for it to become a reality. And also, be patient. One day can be today.

I hope you find the job that you want. There are plenty of South African Job portals you can register or sign up with (for free) to receive job alerts for what you are looking for.